You’re Never ALONE but ALL One

Here I am again, in my solitude and thoughts, trying to avoid feeling anything which provokes the inevitable from happening.  The inevitable is that I have just turned 43 (January 23)  and I am still single with no kids, (SWNK),  I am paying off someone else’s mortgage, I am still working full-time (and not more efficiently.) I am fiercely independent, obstinate and extremely open-minded while at the same time I live under constant emotional turmoil;  dying inside because I feel like what and who I am is not good enough.  I want more but I can’t be filled with less.   Quite simply… I am feeling DESPERATE  and super-needy. I feel “blacklisted from the private parties and jet-streaming adventures of the “rich and famous” here.  I am ever becoming the hermit I’ve always feared of becoming and shirk having to pretend I share something in common with them.  Frankly,    I don’t know why I am sitting in my own self-pity vying secretly to be someone else, comparing my insides to “their” outsides, never measuring up to what I think there standards are.    This leads me to ask myself,   “what are my own self standards?  On a superficial-societal entrapped body, I look 10 years younger for my age.  My energy is boundless and I have inquired a certain intensity from my father which naturally provokes controversy yet I am grounded in my soul (not 100% of the time though.)  I have never been known to be a psychologically-crazed  nut-job like a lot of women are who are able to adapt this certain manipulative tendency that entices men with loads of money to lavish and support them by playing “needy and dependent.”    Now I  have envied the lives of these manicured madams.  At least they have something to show for “it” (thinking like a business woman now,) like real estate, property  or rentals and I am still trying to carve my own way without help, on my modest income,  trying to find my pie in the sky, as they say.  Trying to be the change I want to see in this world (Mahatma Gandhi) and realizing that my time’s running out.  I am all one (alone).   No one has saved me from myself thus far.  I am not getting any younger, what I’ve been doing up until now has not delivered me to my destiny,,,,,  yet.   I am more aware of this fact which has been festering and gnawing with an unceasing grip for most of my adult life and realize if I don’t confront my fear on all sides,  I might never allow myself this chance again.  There’s No Turning Back, only Forward.  Maybe this is a good starting point for The New Sexy.